Excerpt from “My Name is Wilderness: A Reflection on Healing, Growth, and Becoming from My First 40 Years of Life” , by Wilderness Dawn Cowan
“I have only recently learned how much freedom there is in letting go. Letting go of trying to understand, analyze, make sense of anything, find an “answer”. I’ve been slowly feeling this, but it’s landing differently now. It’s landing on a more visceral plane. I understood this on an analytical level, and now I’m starting to communicate it with my body and consciousness.
These things always come in layers though, so I wholeheartedly expect that what I think I understand now will evolve into a different meaning in 5, 10 and 20 years. Perhaps I’ll write another book then which will discount anything I thought I knew now while writing this one. I sure would hope so. If not, then what are we even doing here?
There’s a sweet essence to tapping into the felt sense of the heart, or the belly, or the solar plexus, and trusting the wisdom that is here. Not trying to make it different, but just being with what is, with curiosity. Releasing judgment or meaning, and somatically feeling into the tender knowledge that lives here.
When we approach an area of our body with perceived knowing we lose an opportunity for newness. The opportunity for growth, shifts, and changes lives in this present moment, and in this moment only. The choice you make in this moment is the only way to change the next one. Can you challenge yourself to see yourself everyday, or even every moment, as if it is the first time? Can you also grant this to those around you? Will you choose to see yourself and others through the eyes of love and release what you think you know?
I found myself weeping recently while integrating newfound not knowings. It feels like a huge exiting of stagnant energy and a deep surrender. It feels like a permission slip to release what you think is controlling you, which actually never was. It’s realizing that the things that you thought had a hold of you were an illusion that you created. It’s remembering that at any given moment you can make a different choice and change the outcome of the next moment. It’s having the faith to know that each small moment is what creates your new reality.
I know this is hard to hear when your reality isn’t what you want it to be and you feel certain you would never choose it. But know that although it may not be your fault, you are not a victim of your circumstances, and they will change. You don’t have to change your thoughts if that doesn’t feel accessible, just start with not believing them.
Sometimes the attunement to this sentiment comes in the way of a tender balance of self compassion and a choice to not put up with your own sabotaging stories anymore. The bullshit stories that keep you hostage. The things that you think are you, but are actually merely habits and patterns blended to look like personalities or beliefs. The fears that feel real, but are actually sabotaging your true experience. The anger that seems valid, but is also causing you to avoid deep and vulnerable relationships because distance feels safer than trusting others. Can you really not find love, or do you fear love because it creates a world that you can’t control?
We may become so attached to these patterns that we may not even recognize ourselves without them. We may believe they form our identity. Sometimes the most important thing we can do is get out of our own way. Can you know that you are ok even amongst these sensations that try to convince you that you aren’t? The crushing anxiety or the stabbing knee pains- where is the okayness even in that? At some point it benefits you to ask yourself, “How much is this belief that I am broken actually serving me?”.
If you seek the truth, at some point you will let go of the old story. You will release the reigns of your trauma that is constricting you. Know that you can honor your past without worshiping it so much that it keeps you in your pain. There was a time your survival depended on these strategies, and there will be a time that they won’t, and you can lovingly release them. You can choose to stop indulging in them and learn that you get a choice of where your thoughts go.”
Author Bio
Wilderness is a life coach, yoga instructor, and writer who explores themes of healing, self-trust, and inner transformation through poetry and personal reflection. She believes in the power of storytelling to create connection, spark growth, and remind us of the quiet strength within each of us.
A lifelong seeker, Wilderness is a heart-centered explorer of the unseen. She believes in the healing power of honesty, creativity, and the courage it takes to truly meet oneself. Her work is a weaving of emotion, insight, and spirit, offering readers a sense of being witnessed and accompanied on their own paths.
When she’s not writing, Wilderness enjoys time in nature, hiking, yoga and learning new ways to deepen her connection to herself and the world around her. You can currently find Wilderness on Instagram @wildernessdawn.
