Yes, I haven’t birthed a child. But does that make me less of a parent?
I’ve asked myself this question many times—not out of insecurity, but out of deep reflection. Parenting, as I’ve experienced it, goes far beyond biology.
I’ve parented my nieces and nephews. I’ve parented my siblings—being the eldest meant I was the third parent by default. I’ve parented hundreds of students over more than a decade of teaching. I’ve even parented parents in many ways—counselling them when their child’s behaviour made them pause and ask, “Where are we going wrong?”
That’s when I began to wonder: Who teaches parenting to parents? Where do they learn how to raise a human being? Who do they have to look up to?
This isn’t a question about one generation or one household. It’s a generational wound—passed down in silence, assumptions and well-intentioned but outdated methods. We look up to our parents for guidance on raising children, but if we’re honest, most of us also carry a mental checklist of what not to repeat. We want to improve on what we received, give more, love better.
But in doing so, are we turning parenting into a silent competition—I’ll do better than my parents did—and in that race, are we spoiling our kids without truly meeting their emotional needs?
The changing landscape of parenting
Let’s pause and think: If we’re taking parenting cues from our parents, are we also considering the world around us—the one we grew up in versus the one our children are growing up in? The societal landscape has shifted. Fast.
When our parents raised us, discipline was synonymous with obedience, and love often went unspoken. Today, children are exposed to information overload, emotional complexity and social pressure at levels never seen before.
Yet, many parents continue to use the same rulebook that was used on them—reward and punishment, shame and comparison, silence and sacrifice. Only now, these rules aren’t just outdated; they’re damaging. Emotional intelligence wasn’t even a term back then, but today, it’s the foundation of raising balanced human beings.
As a teacher, whenever I conducted parent-teacher meetings to discuss a child’s behavioural or emotional concerns, the conversation often took a surprising turn. More often than not, I ended up counselling the parent. The child wasn’t the issue. The misunderstanding was. The pressure was. The projection was.
And this brings me back to the original question: Who teaches parenting to parents?
The untrained parent
The harsh truth? Most parents are untrained. They parent on autopilot—replicating what they saw growing up, improvising on the go, sometimes Googling solutions and often drowning in guilt.
There’s no onboarding for this role. You become a parent and are expected to just know how to do it—intuitively, responsibly, lovingly, wisely. But love alone doesn’t teach parenting. It fuels it, yes, but it doesn’t equip you with the tools to handle tantrums, emotional shutdowns, sibling rivalry, anxiety or even the silent cries for help children express with their behaviour.
Let’s be honest—would we accept this lack of training in any other role?
A teacher trains. A doctor trains. Even a driver trains. But a parent—the most life-impacting role—does not.
The emotional gap
In my experience, the root issue lies in emotional disconnect. Many parents confuse providing for their child with being present for their child. The race to be the best parent has created a warped version of love—one that overcompensates with material things but underdelivers on emotional attunement.
We think giving everything—from iPads to international vacations—is parenting. But children don’t remember what we gave them. They remember how we made them feel. Did we see them? Did we hear them? Did we truly know them?
Unfortunately, many parents today are projecting their unhealed wounds, their unmet dreams and societal pressures onto their children. They want their kids to succeed, but often forget to ask what success even means to the child.
The way forward: 5 potential solutions
We need to normalize the idea that parenting is a skill—one that can and should be
learned.
Here are a few solutions I truly believe can transform parenting for the better.
Workshops on conscious parenting
Just like prenatal classes prepare couples for childbirth, there should be accessible,
affordable workshops that prepare parents to raise emotionally intelligent children. These workshops can cover:
- Understanding emotional needs by age
- Communication without yelling or guilt
- Managing your own triggers before responding
- Recognizing signs of anxiety or burnout in kids
- Balancing love, discipline and freedom
School-based parent support programs
Schools can introduce parent counselling sessions as part of the academic calendar. These shouldn’t be about blaming or reporting—instead, they should be about supporting. Imagine a parent-teacher meeting that doesn’t just talk about grades but about how the home environment might be impacting the child’s growth.
Healing the inner parent first
Every adult who becomes a parent was once a child. Often, our unresolved childhood pain leaks into how we raise our own kids. Therapy or even reflective journaling about how we were parented can bring powerful insight into how we show up now. If you find yourself triggered often, constantly yelling, or drowning in guilt—it’s a sign that your inner child needs attention, too.
Creating a culture of learning, not perfection
Parenting is messy, and that’s OK. The goal isn’t to get it perfect—it’s to be aware, responsive and evolving. What if we normalized saying, “I’m learning to be a better parent,” just like we say we’re learning a new skill or language?
Listening to children
This one’s simple, but often overlooked. When children act out, they’re not trying to be difficult. They’re trying to communicate something they don’t have the words for. Behaviour is language. Are we listening?
Parenting is a daily commitment
Parenting isn’t a one-time decision. It’s a daily commitment to learning, unlearning and relearning.
We don’t need perfect parents. We need conscious ones. Parents who reflect. Parents who listen. Parents who are humble enough to say, “I don’t know how to handle this, but I’m willing to learn.”
So maybe, just maybe—it’s time for parents to start parenting themselves first.
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